Back.

So, I just got back from Starbucks or SB as I've come to refer to it. Taking time to meet up with the gals and chit-chat, catch up on each other's lives...well it's like a breath of fresh air. It's been a lonnnnng while since I've posted and much has gone on. To make a verrrry long story short I still have school, my son's school, household things, regular worries, you know the usual. My mom passed away in December, the 15th at 5:45p to be exact and it is still surreal. Life has its up and downs and in this crazy world I am one of those people that simply must make time for "me". And I do.

SB is my haven. I walk in and the baristas all know me by name, they know what my "regular" drink is (Grande or Venti, toffee nut Pike Place; room for cream please.) I'm one of the regulars and when I get there the other regulars are usually there; Ann and her husband Gil, Steve - who's wife we've never seen, Sammie - who hurt her knee and his waiting to get into the Navy,...etc. We all meet up, play some Tri-ominoes (a version which is altered on a regular basis, but fun as hell nevertheless), talk about life, politics, books, whatever. After two hours there, I'm refreshed and feel like me again. I used to feel guilty about taking that time. I don't now because I realize I need it. More importantly, I realize that it is okay to need it. That was the toughest part.

Unfortunately, there are far too many things on my "to-do" list so I have to budget my time wisely between school, family, friends, Facebook (yes, I'm hooked too), Cityville (damn those folks at Zynga!), and everything else. For now, this will have to do. Truth is, blogging may be useless, and no one may read them, but it's cathartic and sometimes that's enough.

Knowing When Enough Is Enough!

Well, these last few weeks have been strangely busy, odd, and stressful to say the least. Yet somehow, I finally feel like I can breathe. As a woman, more so a mom, we try to manage it all. I am a believer in the whole "have your cake and eat it too" dream. I believe it is definitely possible. As a mom and wife, I try very hard to manage my home life, my kids, my own school, and everything else that comes along. What suffers? Me. I find myself going a couple of days without sleeping, or getting about 4 hours sleep in two - three days if I'm lucky. I get up at 330am to workout so that I don't disrupt my kids, or don't have to face them crying if I leave to go to a gym. I am on-line what seems like all day trying to get my son's school and my own schoolwork done. I cook, clean, care for my kids and husband, make time for my friends, until I feel myself losing my sanity, my grip on things. And then I realize...it is okay. It's okay for me to escape, if you will, and make time for me. For me, I now know that I have to set boundaries. I have learned that there comes a time every so often when I have to say "ENOUGH!" And I mean it. I get dressed and vanish. Usually I'll go to my favorite spot - my neighborhood Starbucks. It's my haven,...my fortress of solitude! I go there and I'm able to just...be. Sometimes I'll visit an old gal pal and we'll sit with coffee or wine and just chat for hours. The thing is that my husband used to make me feel guilty for doing this and it worked on me. Now however, I know that I can't worry about what he or anyone else thinks because I know what I need for ME to operate at maximum efficiency, and one of the things I need is time for me. I need time to recharge and since weekends trips to the Caribbean isn't an option, Starbucks or girlfriends will have to do.

The moral of this rant? Know yourself. Know what you need to be your very best and give it to yourself - without guilt! You'll be a happier, better person for it. And eventually those around you will realize the benefits too. It's okay to deserve and indulge in yourself from time to time. :)

This Frazzled Life

*Deep cleansing breath*
This past week, Life has had its way with me in a way that would surely would be considered "assault" in any legal sense of the word. I have been bogged down with my own school work, with my sons school work, with marriage stuff, with a possible illness that my son may or may not have, car issues, financial issues, and the list goes on. I've spent the last 3-4 days consumed with worry, crying, anxiety, overall stress beyond what is the norm. I've tried to maintain a calm exterior while inside I'm screaming like a crazy woman. Now I am fully aware that life gets the best of all of us at one time or another. Sure,..I get that. Sometimes I feel as though its goal is to break me. Of course, as is always the case, I triumphed! Yaaay me! The truth is, I FEEL beat. I'm exhausted, drained, full of emotions that I don't even begin to know what to do with, but I know one thing...life,...as mean, crazy, challenging as it can be at times...must go on. So...I think of all the wonderful things I have in my life: my children, my husband, my friends that make me laugh, my health...and despite it all, I'm so very grateful. I'll take whatever life brings my way and make the best of it. And some days...life will knock me down, but it won't KEEP me down. Gen. Patton said, "Now if you're going to win any battle, you have to do one thing...you have to make the mind run the body..." So for those of you hitting hard times or dealing with something less than pleasant...take heart it's all a part of the game. I suppose that's part of the excitement of life.

Out With The Old...

There comes a time in most everyone's life when they realize that a friend just doesn't feel like a friend anymore. It's such an unsettling feeling because for so long they may have been a buddy, a "party" partner, even a confidante, yet now it seems as though you see them in a different light. Perhaps they seem a little colder, snyde remarks slip out from time to time, and you just don't feel the desire to confide in them anymore. Why, you wonder?

Recently, that feeling came over me. I've only had it one other time in my life and that was about 10 years ago. And what I realized is that I was beginning to not like that individual any more. They seemed to be different, and quite honestly, I didn't like who I was seeing. It was difficult because I had been friends with this individual since I was 4 years old! I realized however that I didn't like her anymore. I believe the reason is that we simply grew apart. As I grew, I became one person and she became another and that person isn't someone I would ever choose to be around. So, there we were! Hanging out at the crossroads of our friendship.

Last week that same feeling came over me with a different person, and I recognized it right away. I don't need to think about what it means. I know. I'm growing apart from that person and I don't like who they are now. I could hang around and pretend for a while, but why? I think the hardest thing is that we have history and have been through so much, but life harvests the good and gives us signs when it's time to weed out those that aren't helping us flourish. I feel as though I'm approaching that same crossroads again,...right there at the end of Friendship Blvd, and you know what...I'm okay with it.

Just like a garden, we have to cultivate what we want to grow. That person's great, but just doesn't fit into my garden anymore. It's a part of life's cycle and when it's right, there is no sadness. That person will grow in someone else's garden and no doubt...flourish.

When It's Good...It's Great!

There he is! Yep, that's him. That's my husband. And I think he's the finest man I've ever seen! Ours was a crazy beginning, and now nearly 6 years into the game - we are still together and have 2 amazing children to boot! It hasn't all been easy. Like many others, marriage has been a bumpy, unpaved road, but I believe all good marriages have those in them. Marriage is a ridiculous amout of work in my opinion, especially when you have children. You really have to carve out time for eachother and that's not always easy to do. Some days life just has too many things for you to do and not enough time in which to do them, much less time for another human being. Still, we do what we can, and continue to try to do better.

You see, when it's good,...it's SO good. It's GREAT even! The trouble is that when it's not good,...it feels awful! I hate fighting, arguing, not communicating. Don't we all? In a split second we go from being in love to being mortal enemies! I can hear the bell *Ding! Ding!*, and then the announcer: "ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE?" That's how it feels. It's like an all out battle and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time.

I realize that no one can hurt me like he can. And no one can make me feel like he does. So I try my very best to imprint these "good times" into my mental Rolodex and remember the sweet, funny, loving man that he is, because when a marital squall hits us, it's near impossible for me to see that side of him. I want to be able to see the man that does the dishes without asking after I cooked dinner, or tidies up our dresser and lights candles before bed, or pulls me close to him in the middle of the night, or holds our crying child mid-tantrum and just looks at her and smiles with a calmness that I couldn't muster at that moment if my life depended on it. That's the man I fell in love with. That's the man that makes my heart stop. That's the man that lets me know that marriage is a wonderful thing. He's the man that makes me smile, and that's good enough for me.

Day 14,833